I am not sure what has been going on with me but I feel un-tethered. Like I am a ship that is not tied to the dock or like a hot air balloon that is floating without its ground rope. I am still in the harbor but I'm afraid if a storm comes I will be taken out to sea and become lost. I have been wrestling with this and similar feelings for months. I am not sure how to get to the feelings of surety focus and grounding that have always been my constants. I am not sure if its just the process of moving and losing all your friends and foster daughter, and having to start over? So much of my life was focused on those things and now that is gone. I am starting all over. It is not my favorite. Its also the end of a phase of our lives that has had such clearly defined goals. For me have babies for Stewart finishing medical training. Now that those are DONE I am feeling a bit like now what? Building our future plans is so hard for me because I just don't feel like me. What do I want? I have no idea. When did I not have a strong vision of the future? Nearly never. I kinda super hate it.
We are buying a house which is exciting but depressing because its not what I wanted. It will be great but its not any dream I've ever had. but then again what are my dreams? ugh. I wonder if I am selling out on my dreams and standards or being smart. I guess its not so much what the house actually is, it is just these awful feelings of not being really sure. I feel like my head is in fog so often these days. The days just pass and I feel like I have done so much good but not enough. And without any real goal in mind it feels my life is stagnate without progression reached each day by my efforts towards something I want and believe in. I'm just trying to be a good mom and wife and trying to get us settled and thriving in our new community day-in and day-out. It is just not stimulating enough for me but I have nothing more to give. I am spent each day in those meaningful but small repetitive efforts. I'm just in the thick of it and its hard. I think in a year I will know myself in this new life and I will be able to have better vision for myself and in turn for my family as well. I just hate this phase of adjustment.
As I was praying the other day I felt prompted again that I should consider writing on my blog again. It helps me reflect on the things that have past, where I am now, and what we are working towards. It will help me heal and process the changes and losses in my life. It will help me see the miracle and blessings and Gods hand in my life helping me build something of great worth. Plus I am such an extrovert I can use this space to "talk" and share my feelings here and have a chance to give of my heart in ways that are so important to my well-being. It will help me tether myself. It will give me safety in the harbor.
So I'm back. I think this will be so good for me. Plus, my kids will love reading this someday. and if anyone out there happens to read this I hope that my sincere sharing will help them in small ways. I often put myself down thinking that no one would ever want to read my thoughts or read about my life. I once over heard someone I thought of as a friend and looked up to talking about my blog and how they just couldn't get themselves to read it because it was so sloppy with so many misspellings and grammatical mistakes. That haunts me. It wasn't really supersized because that's all true. My brain is just horrible at those things. I automatically edit in my head and just don't see the mistakes. But I am not going to let that haunt me anymore if I can help it. I am going to do what is good for me and I believe that my thoughts are of worth and my life is worth something too so I should not be ashamed to share them in my feeble ways.
There is so much to write about. I am going to love it.
Monday, April 24, 2017
I started to take pictures of Naomi and this is how they were going....so we changed tactics. :O)
And she loved it. A sheet, a sunny window, and her mommy and then we got this.
This sweet girl is full of personality. She has started to pick out pink clothes and more girly items but stresses to me that she does not want to be called "cute". She just wants to be awesome. So if I promise to not call her cute she will proceed with girly items. when I do her hair if she thinks its fancy in anyway she'll try ad take it out unless I promise that I wont let people call her cute....its hard when she is really a pretty cute girly to try and keep people from commenting on that fact...but I do my best. :) Her preschool teacher is so good about that. Naomi is always nervous to walk in and her teacher wont comment on her looks, she just welcomes her and gets the fun started no matter how shy Naomi is feeling. She loves SUPER things. Her favorite show is PJ Masks who are little kids who put on the PJs and become super heroes at night and Paw Patrol.
Her favorite colors are Red, Blue, and Green. Bright and strong colors. :O) Her best friend is Jack. She loves him more than I've ever have had a child love a friend. I kind of hope they grow up and find each other at BYU someday. I think losing him when we move will be really hard on her. I did day care type stuff when she was a baby and Jack was the little guy we had for a long time. She loves to lead and be the leader and when our family goes on hikes or walks she HAS to be leading the way...which can be tricky when she doesn't know that way. ;)
She loves her Mommy and Daddy. She likes to call her daddy Stewart for some reason. She does not like calling me Emily, but she loves Stewart. lol Angeli is her favorite big sister who helps her and nurtures her so sweetly. She ADORES Christian. Being a big sister is her favorite thing EVER. She thinks he is the best baby ever and being able to teach him and show him the way is so rewarding for her. I'm so thankful she has a baby brother! They will be best friends forever. She'll play cars and trains with him all day long and he will let her be the leader. Match made in Heaven! Every morning she comes in my room and cuddles with me and Christian while he nurses and then she play with her brother after he's all full of milk. She goes from groggy and grumpy to delighted and giggly with her baby brother there to brighten the morning. She cheers for him with his little steps and adventures.
I love hanging out with her all day when the big kids are at school. She is funny, happy, silly, smart, helpful, and a good girl. She hates when she realizes she's made a wrong choice. You hardly have to reprimand her. Just a stern voice and she is crying and says, "I'm sorry mommy!". Her getting in trouble always ends with a big hug and me telling her its okay she knows better now.
She has recently decided that learning her numbers, letters, and letter sounds, and adding is where its at! I love hearing her singing her ABC's. Her favorite letter is of course the letter N. "up, down, up!"
She is a treasure to the entire family. Everyone like playing with Naomi. She spunky and funny. Even if she is bugging you don't get bugged because she is just so entertaining. You cant help but laugh when she is laughing. I Love you my little miss. Always and Forever!
This month our little guy turned 10 months while we were in Pinehurst looking for a new home. Its crazy to think that he is going to have no memories of Arizona and grow up a southern boy. Its so crazy to think we are at that stage when our baby will grow up in a family post grad school training....I guess our whole family is growing up!
This month Christian also had his first EASter! He was so adorable searching out eggs and gobbling up chocolate. He has grown even more. He is sporting 18 months clothes and they are fitting really well. He has enjoyed swimming for the first time and LOVES water. Something Naomi does not. lol He loves his mommy and gives the sweetest hugs and kisses. He still loves to cuddle. He is playful and sweet. He smiles at everyone but is starting to notice strangers as strangers. He loves to eat and is eat so much these days.
BUT the biggest milestone has been that this month he took his first steps!!!!! I think he is our earliest walker yet! He is so over crawling. He Loves ti be on his two feet. He is so cute working so hard to take his little steps. f you try and make him preform he gets a little uneasy with everyone looking at him and he just sits down. So no performances yet, I try but no one gets a good show. ;) The kids just adore him more and more as he becomes more and more interactive. He loves going out into the AZ room and playing with all the toys on the soft carpet. He loves being outside. Thinking of that I bought a water and sand table for him and Naomi to play with after we move...losing the play set, sandbox, and pool is hard so the little play table will have to be a stand in for them! :(
Christian takes good long naps just like all my babies. But he often gets woken up as we have stores to shop at and school activities and preschool pick up and drops and such. I know that is how it goes with the baby of the family but I feel so sad when he has a day with almost no napping. He is such a sweet heart that he is so tough on hard days like that.
He just keeps getting more and more handsome everyday. I adore that little baby of mine so much. Thinking he is my last I am soaking up every cuddle and snuggle. I love that he will fall asleep in my arms. He weighs a ton But its worth it to hold my last little boy in my arms....they grow up so fast.
Friday, March 24, 2017
My little baby is not that little anymore. He is huge. He's like the size of an 18 month old. He is the sweetest man baby you ever saw. This month has been a huge month of learning for him! He has learned to pull himself to standing and it is clear that he would rather walk than crawl. He doesn't crawl much, he mostly just crawls to get to something so he can pull himself to standing. He got a walker this month and he LOVES it! He feels great about this new mobility. He is getting into everything these days and he gets himself hurt often! Poor guy! He discovered that toilet and eating dirt and dog food and opening kitchen drawers and dumping out pans and measuring cups....He has his 8 teeth fully in and his smile is pretty darling. He got another haircut because it was getting a little wonky. It made him look even older! I really truly cant believe that my baby is so grown up! I like having less time in my day out of commission nursing and such but I love every baby stage so much that to have to say goodbye to each passing stage so quickly is a little hard.
He drinks from a straw and it is the cutest thing watching him concentrating hard to drink so well. He loves to drink from little juice boxes. :O) He loves food. His favorites are fruits, veggies, crackers, pasta, and chocolate chips. He doesn't love bread or meat. Ice cream is a bit too cold for him. He will not drink from a bottle so we are trying to get him to use a sippy cup.
He is starting to mimic our speech. The other day I got him saying "dada". It was darling. He gives kisses and is starting to learn to clap and stuff. His excitement over simple little joys is contagious. He loves to play and explore. The AZ room is his favorite place. his big brother and sisters love to play there, it has soft carpet, it is outside with lots of toys everywhere, its basically his paradise. He takes one big nap a day or sometimes two. He sleeps through the night which is really nice. He loves his daddy and his siblings. When his Daddy comes home for work he lights up and reaches for him. I love that. We adore him more and more everyday! Well, everyone except Ranger. Ranger gets really annoyed that he has to share the floor with him. lol
He has brought so much joy to our home. I am not sure how I would be these days if I didn't have my baby boy...and Naomi would be so bored too. Us three hang out all day and its pretty awesome. She loves her "baby brother" like no one else!
Happy 9 months my sweetest baby man!
Nine Month Statistics:
Weight 23 lbs. 12 oz., 96 percentile
Height 30.75 inches, 99 percentile
Head 47 cm, 94 percentile
Saturday, February 25, 2017
This month Christian turned 8 months and was once again at Grandma Smiths house. I think its a tradition we should keep up! :) We had just gone to Disneyland and it was so fun holding him for three days almost constantly he loved it and got very spoiled and I think my biceps are getting somewhat ripped. ;) It was fun how everyone adored little Christian. He smiles at everyone so he spread happiness all over Disneyland with his adorable smiles. I was so impressed with how well he managed the long days and nursing and sleeping in my arms instead of being in the comfort of his home and normal routine. His favorite rides were Peterpan and Alice and wonderland. He has gotten to be such a trooped on long car drives. He got one more tooth this month so now he has seven, that 8th is taking it time. He is eating more and more and basically eats everything w do. He has gotten so he loves taking baths. He splashes and splashes and loves it.
He's the perfect running buddy and always falls asleep while we jog. When we get home and I wake him trying to transport him into the house I get the sweetest sleepy smiles. His eyes are getting lighter and lighter and his lashes are getting so pretty and long!
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
This little man is growing up! He has gotten more and more hair and more and more teeth! He has gone from two teeth to six this month. He is now sitting up in the shopping cart like a big boy! I love this as I now have more room in the cart but poor guy cant sleep through our shopping anymore! He is crawling and getting around and into mischief! He smiles constantly! Well, unless he is tired or hungry but even then he smiles a lot! I used to think that all babies were this way but I've come to appreciate that I make exceptionally smiley babies. He loves his mommy the best but is ready to love everyone given a few moments to warm up. My favorite moments of my day are snuggling with him and making him giggle. He is learning to eat more and more real food and he loves it. Food is a friend. He likes bananas the best. He has been sick and doing a lot of teething but he has been a good sport. His siblings are absolutely in love with him. He is such a big part of our family and we completely adore him. What a blessing this little man is in our lives!!!
getting in some leg lifts. :)
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
Our Christian boy is 6 months old. On Christmas Eve even! It'll be easy and fun remembering that Christmas Eve is his half birthday each year. :O)
Our little man is scooting around the house and more and more. He gets up on his knees and rocks back and forth trying to figure out how to get coordinated enough to crawl. He can sit up now but is still a bit wobbly so we stay close by. :) He is all smiles and he entertains us all day long. Right now he is pretty sick with a bad cold and has his two top teeth coming in so when he cries and tries to make any noise it is the most pathetic sad little squeaks. It breaks my heart to hear his sore voice. But even though he is sick he still is smiley and sweet. He loves his mommy and his three solid meals a day. Stewart tried to give him a bottle the other night when I was gone but Christian would not have it at all! I got a call while checking out at the store with poor Christian screaming in the back ground. I was starting to think about weaning him but not anymore! :O)
The other day when I was changing his diaper he peeped and it squirted him in his mouth, up his nose, and got in his eyes! Poor little guy got showered in his own urine! lol I know someday he'll think that is hilarious and so gross!
He has started to jabber and say "dadada" and "bababa" and things. Its so fun to hear those tiny emerging words. He really helps make our family feel complete. I am so thankful for my sweet little Christian. He's everyone's favorite.
6 Month Stats
Weight 19 lbs. 14 oz. 84%
Height 28.12 inches 93%
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Oh, this year we had such a fun time at one of our favorite Christmas traditions,Winterhaven. We had so much fun knowing exactly where we wanted to head to to see our favorites and we loved seeing the new additions to the neighborhood too.
Our all time favorite is the "Bellagio House". The lights, water, and music show are so much fun! We stayed and watched several songs. its really magical
This nativity was newer and I loved it I want to have Stewart make me something like this for our house some day.
This year they had a Christmas story house. It was fun to sit and look through books!
Stewart got off work a little after we got there i was stressed it'd be hard but since we've done it each year it was so easy knowing where to park and getting around was not a big deal without him. but we were so happy to have him join us!
We like always loved hte princess house. It so fun to see the new princess they add after each new movie!
I always love the giant present house too!
Next door they have the Christmas card house. this one s always really special for the kids to write letters.
And although I didn't get any really great pictures I have to mention how much we love the Winterhaven Zoo house. Its a huge corner lot right when you enter the neighborhood and they have probably 50 different animal "enclosures" with all sorts of cute animals. It is so much fun looking through all the adorable animals. Its in our top two for sure!
Like everything this year as we go about our holidays and traditions and favorites and have such a good time my mind is drawn to the sad fact that it is our "last time". Winterhaven was especially sad for me. Each year we've come to Winterhaven we've had a new baby to bring along for their first Christmas and saying goodbye to all those years and memories and this chapter of our lives full of babies absolutely breaks my heart. To think back over Naomi, Memphis, Doreena, and now baby Christian I just feel so sad that as we move forward Memphis, and Doreena will not be coming with us. It is so painful but I have to believe that the future holds more joy than I can yet imagine. But in moments I have to mourn and say my good byes. Good bye Winterhaven.